Trust

Today has been an okay day here, which is a bit of a relief.  We had to adjust Maggie's potassium in her fluids again as it was low, but that's been adjusted.  I (Andy) have been working hard the last couple of days to find a way to relax a bit.  This last stretch has been pretty overwhelming, with worries about the diarrhea, her organs, new symptoms (like bloody vomit), lots of unknown causes of these issues--and the inevitable worries about relapse.  Yeah, that's the biggest one right there.  There have been times this past week that we've worried about it quite a bit.  The first time I told Whitney a week ago that I was worried about relapse she ended up laying down flat on the ground in our bathroom for several minutes.  The thought just sucks the life out of you, makes you desperately depressed, horribly frightened.  I can't describe the feeling.  Let's just say that I was growing tired of having the feeling--we both lost weight this week from all the worrying and losing our appetites.  I can't continue to worry about it without losing my mind.

So again, I've been working on doing something about it.  I was given a timely set of meditations with scripture from another family (they had no idea how appropriate the timing was).  I am working hard to trust that things are okay, and that I can worry about relapse if they tell us that Maggie has relapsed.  So trust in the doctors (who continue to doubt that a relapse has happened...so that is comforting).  Also, more importantly, I am trying to trust God in this situation.  Not that my trust would somehow manipulate the situation in our favor, that's not it.  But I realize how small I am, how little control I have over the situation, and how God has been faithful during the toughest times in my life, during each transition, whenever I need help.  And I can't do it all alone like I seem to try to do sometimes.  

So I felt at peace this morning when Dr. French came in (even though Maggie's platelets and potassium dropped overnight).  As it turns out, Dr. French gave us a pretty optimistic visit.  He continues to search for viral causes of her diarrhea and/or her swelled organs.  Though it is unlikely that we'll find a positive result (because there aren't many viruses that can be confirmed with a reliable test) he remains steadfast in his belief that there is a viral cause for much of what is going on.  We have a plan to let Maggie bulk up a bit on her TPN and then transition to eating solids (maybe bypassing the feeding tube altogether).  He also thought her liver and spleen felt smaller to his touch....which is great, if true.  Maggie has gained some weight since Sunday (almost 2 pounds, probably from all of the fluids she is on).  Finally, Maggie has stretches when she talks a bit more and smiles a tiny bit more than she has the last while.  We have no guarantee that tomorrow will be better than today, but it felt like a positive day.  Not a hugely positive day, but better than most of our recent ones.

We also met a new family, who has a 7 year old girl named Ally, who is one week into her new life with ALL Leukemia.   Please pray for her and her family.  One would never know how many families struggle with horrible childhood cancers until you spend time up here on a cancer floor in a children's hospital.  Right now, there is a new baby next to us (don't know if he/she has cancer or not), Ally, Nan (2 year old with AML Leukemia), Aubrey (a 1 1/2 year old with AML) and quite a few other filled beds.  Lincoln, a 5 month old with ALL went home tonight (will return Monday for more chemo) and Seth, a teenager we recently met, went home following his last scheduled chemo for a sarcoma.  Plus the dozens of families that we've met along the way from Ohio, South Carolina, in our hometown of Orrville (Go Brian!, close to 100 days post transplant) on the west coast and many places in between.

We are energized when we can share our struggles with other families who know our pain so intimately.  It just helps us feel better.  We are determined to take things a day at a time and to try to trust a little bit.

Thank you for your continued prayers for Maggie.