Comfort & Joy

I must confess to each of you that as I added to Maggie's blog yesterday about her being in remission, my heart was not as joyful as it should have been. When Dr. French came in yesterday to let us know that Maggie was in remission and that her marrow showed less than 1% blast cells, I was not put to ease. Me, being a perfectionist, wanted to hear that there were no blasts or as I understood blasts being leukemic blast cells. I spent all night wondering and worrying about why there might be some blasts still showing in her marrow if after her first week of treatment she had 0% blasts. So, while I should have been rejoicing to hear the wonderful news of remission, I was stuck on the percentage of blast cells still in her body.

When Dr. French made his rounds this morning, I made sure to ask him the questions that circulated in my head all night. When he entered, I immediately told him I had a couple of questions. He bantered ever so briefly about the word "couple" (I think we are getting the reputation of asking a lot of questions and if any of you know our doctor, he is one that is not normally the bantering type so this was a pleasant surprise as well). Anyways, I shared with him my concerns about the 1% leukemic blast cells shown in her marrow. He immediately stopped me and reiterated that to be in remission the marrow should have less than 5% blast cells and Maggie had less than 1%--meaning hardly detectable (and he also shared that depending on who is reading the slide, others might consider it to be 0%). He also explained to me that blast cells do not necessarily mean leukemic cells. Throughout this experience, whenever I hear the word blasts, I immediately thought leukemia because Maggie's marrow was filled with 80% leukemic blasts when first tested. The word blast means immature cells that eventually become mature cells in the body as long as they are not compromised by leukemia.

Though I might not be in full understanding of the process of cell division and birth (and though I might only be confusing others), what I want to share with you all during this post is that I feel more at ease and joyful that my baby is now in remission. I should have felt all the joy in the world yesterday, but I have had my guard up for so long that it requires continual reassurance that everything is going to work out, and Dr. French provided some of that. I have also been reading many different stories of children plagued with cancer and relapsing or having complications. It scares me more than anything to know that this is always a high possibility. I ache for every mother out there pleading with God not to take their baby, as I am also one of them. When you give birth to a child, you don't ever expect to go through something like this. I continue to ask Andy if there is anything worse than what we are going through, and though I am sure there is, we haven't come up with anything.

I appreciate you all listening to my thoughts. Normally I don't want to use Maggie's site to share things like this because I view this site as Maggie's--sharing what she is going through and not what we, as her parents are experiencing. I wanted you all to know that I do thank God for the news of remission because I don't think the post from yesterday demonstrated this. Though I still wrestle with God with questions of "why us" and sometimes grow angry at what Maggie is going through, I am slowly coming to grips with our new life. As I have shared with Andy before, if I knew that the end result would be a cured Maggie, I would be able to go through this experience with less negativity, worry, etc.. But of course, that is not the way life is.

So, (yes Whitney, get to the point of what you are trying to say)-- Yes, Praise the Lord for this first step in the miracle of healing Maggie. Praise Him for getting her through these last 2 1/2 months with little problems. And Praise Him for what He will continue to do throughout treatment and in the many, many years ahead. I KNOW He has wonderful plans for Maggie and I KNOW that they do not include premature death. Maggie is an amazing baby and is going to be an amazing woman, doing wonderful things in her lifetime for the glory of the Lord. I hope each of you will stick around after this little detour is finished and observe the miracle that she is. After all, you are all a part of her life now and we feel comfort in knowing that you are all with us each step of the way. Thank you all for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. We would not be able to do this without knowing that we have a support system circling the earth and that prayers are continually being lifted up in Maggie's behalf.