Disappointment

We had a disappointing day--well actually more like a disappointing couple of weeks. It seems like we can't get ahead, ever. I took Maggie into the hospital today to get her counts checked because she has been having such huge quantities of diarrhea. After getting her finger poked, we waited 45 minutes in the waiting room for the results. The results showed a potassium of 3.6 (fairly good) and a carbon dioxide level of 15.6 (not so good). All of her other hydration numbers looked good but that one. Thus, Maggie had to be accessed and given a bolus of fluids to help bring up the bi-carb number. She was then given another supplement to take orally to try to help maintain her bi-carb.

Some other pieces came out of this visit. I called Cincinnati once again and requested that we be taken off of the enzymes. They don't seem to be helping and if anything they have made her diarrhea worse. Dr. Mezoff then changed Maggie's appointment to an earlier time next week. I'm hoping this indicates his (and our) sense of urgency for the situation.

We are tired of this. All week Maggie has gone to bed only to wake up less than an hour later to diarrhea. The diarrhea than lasts for the next 3+ hours making our nights end around 1:00 am or later. We don't have a moment to ourselves. We are cleaning up poo half the night and all day. It is just getting so very tiring and old. I had great plans to go my parents next week and visit with friends and all of this has been cancelled. Maintenance is supposed to be easier, but it is just as hard, if not harder.

We need an answer, we need a treatment and we need it fast. We cannot continue living like this and watch our child suffer. Please, pray for Maggie.

Upper GI Appt. Set

This morning I called and scheduled Maggie's upper GI with a small and large bowel study. Hopefully this will give some more information for Dr. Mezoff to determine where to go next. The appointment is scheduled for Monday at 8:15 in the morning. Pray that the procedure goes well. Maggie must drink barium and then the procedure will take an hour and a half or more. I don't know how it will work for them to observe her that long, but hopefully she'll do well.

I checked Maggie's weight today and she is down to 21 lbs. 4.5 oz. I think this shows the amount of diarrhea she continues to have. She had 4 episodes today (though the day is not done). It just doesn't seem to be letting up and I have no idea what is causing it's increase or consistency. She hasn't had milk in 2 days, so that can't be it. It is SO frustrating for us.

Please continue to pray for Maggie and her GI issues as well as for complete healing from cancer.

Upper GI

Unfortunately, not much has changed for Maggie and the diarrhea. Her diarrhea has picked up in the last few days or perhaps it never really changed much. Who knows anymore. I had been given the okay to give Maggie milk again and so I did the last couple days. I am wondering if maybe the milk might be increasing the frequency and changing the consistency even though she doesn't have a lactose intolerance. Again, who knows, but we'll withhold what she likes to give her any small amount of change for the better.

Can you tell we're a bit down about all of this? I cannot say enough how hard this has been on Maggie and her body. It's so sad to see her skin drooping on her. It's just not fair at all that she must deal with GI issues on top of cancer. I have learned that life isn't fair, but it doesn't mean that I still don't live by that principle. We need some answers and we especially need a treatment plan THAT WORKS.

With that being said, the nurse from Cinti. Children's contacted me today and said they are going to go ahead and schedule an upper GI with a small bowel study for Maggie. This is what comes next on the list that Dr. Mezoff has created and the last item on the list is another scope. She said they may just have to do another. What a new scope is going to show that the old one didn't I don't know. I'm going to try to schedule this procedure before her next appointment, November 6. I'm not sure they expect to see anything, but again, I guess it'll just rule out one more thing.

Please pray for our little girl. Pray that these GI issues are resolved immediately-- that they find an answer, but more importantly, that they find a successful treatment. And of course, continue to pray for Maggie and for the main reason we started this blog-- that her cancer will go away and never return.

Do the enzymes work?

Unfortunately, I don't think they are going to work for us. Maggie has continued to have diarrhea, with it increasing around bedtime (the reason for Maggie going to bed so late recently). Many of the nurses that I've talked with say that they should work immediately, so if that is the case, they are not our "answer." I asked the GI nurse I am in frequent contact with at Cincinnati Children's about our next steps. It might appear that our next steps are a procedure that involves drinking Barium.

Hopeless is the word that I am feeling. I really thought the enzymes might be our answer, but I guess that was too easy of a solution. Easy is not a word used around this household.

I took Maggie into the clinic today to get her labs drawn again. She received lower numbers on her hydration yesterday so they wanted to keep her accessed while giving her a night off of fluids. We were thinking (and maybe hoping) that the fluids were increasing her diarrhea. Maggie's counts today showed that her hydration (or bi-carb) had risen, however her potassium dropped again (from 3.5 yesterday to 3.1 today). Regardless of this decrease, Dr. French gave the okay for Maggie to be de-accessed. We hope that she will maintain her hydration and we don't need to go back to the hospital on Monday. Another little positive piece is that Maggie's weight has increased back up to its original number- 22 lbs. So it appears she has gained back all the weight she had lost from diarrhea. I don't know if the weight loss was from loss of liquids, but I hope that maybe the weight gain shows that her nutrition is coming around. We'll take weight gain no matter what causes it.

I know that our prayer request becomes quite repetitive, but please pray for Maggie's diarrhea to stop, her body to absorb nutrients and of course the most important, that Maggie's cancer is completely gone forever.

Update

Yesterday was a pretty rough day for us--Andy at work and me and Maggie at home. Maggie continues to have diarrhea, mainly at night when we have tried to put her down. I am getting a little worried that these enzymes just might not work. Maggie wanted to go to sleep last night around 8:30, but before it was all said and done she was asleep with the help of Benedryl at 12:30. It was a long night balancing between her request for hot dogs and green beans and going poo in the potty. Once I did get her down, I was up every hour until 5:00 am changing a dirty diaper. It was very tiring and frustrating that things are not slowing down.

Maggie had her labs drawn yesterday and today, both showing her potassium at 3.4 (it was 2.4 when we left the clinic Monday). In talking to the nurse, as long as her diarrhea slows, tonight will be her last night of fluids. I was hoping that the numbers would be a bit higher, considering she's on fluids, but I guess her body is slow to responding and she is still losing a lot of potassium in her diarrhea.

I noticed yesterday that the steroids still seemed to be affecting Maggie. She was very touchy in that if something didn't go her way, she would immediately start screaming. An example of this was when we decided to go out. It was a beautiful day, mid 60's and so I decided we would go to the Greene, our favorite hang out on nice days. I dressed her like it was winter; winter coat, winter hat and gloves just in case (I had forgotten what the 60's felt like after being so cold lately). When we stepped outside and felt the warmth I took Maggie's hat off and she was very mad. So, she ended up dressed for winter and probably sweating, but she was happy. I guess that's all that matters. So, the day was quite challenging and from the moment I woke up to the time I went to bed I spent 5 minutes by myself, all the while hearing Maggie calling my name. It was a long day and one that didn't get any relief, even once everyone was asleep.

Maggie is doing better today as she has had less tantrums. I just finally got her to take a nap by herself, something that hasn't been done since the Sunday before last. I am hoping the steroids will rid her system soon as I think they have also caused all of this diarrhea, behavior changes, and sleep changes. It will be nice when Andy and I can sit down together again for a few moments to just relax while our baby is sleeping. You need some downtime every now again, right?

Please pray that these enzymes will be effective and that they will stop Maggie's diarrhea and that she will start to put on some weight. I weighed her today at the clinic and she was up to 21 lbs. 7 oz. with a bit of a wet diaper, so there is improvement, but most likely from fluids. We all just want some relief soon.

Rehydration

We went to the clinic today, as we've done the last 3 months after steroid week, to get Maggie rehydrated with fluids. Maggie's numbers showed that she was dehydrated and that she had potassium loss once again. The horrible part to all of this is that we found that she has lost a pound and a half since last Monday as she is down to 20 lbs. 5 oz. She is almost to her lowest weight before they decided that we needed to change things and began TPN.

As I drove Maggie to the clinic today, I called Cincinnati Children's GI nurse who've I've been in contact with many times over the last week. I told her we needed to become more aggressive as the Imodium is not doing the trick. After lots of back and forth conversations today, Dr. Mezoff decided to try the pancreatic enzymes. I also found that one of her lab results on her stool sample showed that she was in the moderately low level of absorption of Elastase. So, with this in mind, they hope that perhaps the enzymes will help her body absorb better and for me, I feel like this is the last viable option. If the enzymes don't work, I don't know what will. Please pray that the enzymes will be the solution to this 9-month problem.

We had Dr. Dole today, another oncologist at Dayton Children's, versus our primary doctor, Dr. French. I won't share my feelings about Dr. Dole, but to say that he goes about treating patients and discussing with parents much differently than Dr. French. With that, Dr. Dole did things a bit differently in that after they gave Maggie a 2 hour bolus of potassium, they rechecked her levels (something they haven't done the last 2 times). After rechecking her levels they found that they dropped rather than raised. Maggie came in with a potassium level of 2.7 (normal 3.7 and above) and after receiving fluids had a level of 2.2. They rechecked it and it came back at 2.4. Dr. Dole came in and told me that they were going to keep Maggie overnight because her levels were critically low. To Andy's later chagrin, I talked Dr. Dole out of keeping her overnight, even though he was uncomfortable doing so. We were being sent home on IV fluids overnight for 3 days, and I have witnessed Maggie do this 3 times now, always to see her levels rise the next day. Along with that, Maggie has been in a very good mood, talking away and not even being a bit crabby with no nap today. So hopefully things will continue the way they have in the past and Maggie's levels will rise by tomorrow.

The plan is that Maggie will be accessed until at least Thursday, receiving IV fluids overnight for 12 hours. Home care will come out daily to draw labs to see what her levels look like. As long as things go well, she'll be off fluids then. This is a new protocol for us, as in the past we have gone home de-accessed and Maggie has done fine. But I think they are doing this per request of Dr. Mezoff (he had wanted Maggie on fluids throughout all of her steroid week, which Dr. French wanted to wait and see if Maggie would hold her own). The other main change will be those pancreatic enzymes. I am told that they work pretty quickly and we should see a change within 3-4 days to a week. Again, please pray that they work because if not, I don't know what will happen next and Maggie cannot continue this way. The poor girl is skin and bones with a protruding belly. It's just not fair to her at all.

Please pray for Maggie in these coming days as she rehydrates and the enzymes take effect. Let this be the healing answer to our countless prayers.

Yep, diarrhea again

Just a quick update to share that Maggie's diarrhea has again become pretty bad. She had 3 pretty wet ones yesterday and then we were up much of the night changing her diaper-- we think about 7 or more times. Today she has had quite a few to the point that we are again starting to worry. This afternoon she had several episodes in a row while laying on the floor. It was just an enormous amount and after talking her into going on the potty to finish up, she had a good cup or more of straight liquid. On the bright side, she did go on the potty, was pretty proud of herself, and got 2 stickers out of it.

So, we are going to make the call to the clinic tomorrow morning requesting a visit to very possibly rehydrate her electrolytes. We are getting pretty sick and tired of this, not just dealing with so many messes and loss of sleep, but looking at Maggie's frail skinny body and distended belly. We'd like to take a picture of her to show you what this diarrhea has done to her, but I'm afraid it might be too graphic.

I am going to put another call into Dr. Mezoff, her GI specialist, to see if there is any way possible that we can move forward with another type of treatment because the Imodium is just not doing it. It's a very sad sight down here right now and we are feeling pretty bummed and hopeless. Please pray for Maggie that her diarrhea will STOP! and that her weight and overall nutrition will increase.

Steroid week

Maggie finished her steroids yesterday evening and so we are hopefully on the road to recovery. This week was much better than last month. Maggie still had her effects of the steroids, but we didn't see the Vincristine side effects, which we were happy about. However, a little part of me wonders if because they reduced the dose this month, if it still did the job on any cancer cells remaining in her body. I pray it did.

Maggie's sleep of course was affected--no naps in bed, but being held. She was able to go down at night for bed, but it took longer to do so. Steroids seems to make her more lethargic, sleepy, and so she layed around a lot on me. Last night and today she seems to be much louder vocally, to the point where you'd think she was a bit intoxicated. It's almost a bit funny and reminds both of us of our nephew when he doesn't get his nap. Regardless, I'm just happy she has continued to talk. Listening to her talk is so wonderful and we really missed it for the 3 days that she stopped last month.

While we are finished with steroids, we have several days before we will see our old Maggie return. She got sick in a restaurant today and her diarrhea has again picked up, so we definitely are not out of the woods yet. We pray though that these effects will go away immediately and Maggie will be on the mend.

I am posting the last of the pictures that were taken on Maggie's birthday. Enjoy!

Playing (or rather eating crackers) with cousin Brendan on Maggie's new princess table.

Our birthday supper at Steak and Shake. Maggie enjoyed the cottage cheese and milkshake (a rare treat since being told she is no longer allowed to have milk).

"Hey you..."

Physical Therapy

We made some leaps and bounds today during physical therapy. Maggie didn't cry! Or at least waited to cry until the very end of therapy (I think she got tired of walking and playing). This is quite remarkable as we have been in physical therapy since June and Maggie has cried at her weekly visits the entire time. I am hoping this might be a turning point in her therapy and better yet, her walking.

When we pulled into the hospital this morning I told Maggie we were going to see Nancy, her physical therapist. She responded, "walk" because of course that is what we do in PT, practice walking. I then asked her if she was going to play and she responded, "balls." I believe that Maggie is a great observer. She won't speak with people she doesn't know, but instead takes everything in to be able to "talk" about it later. She also has a very good memory as she tells us about experiences out of the blue after seeing something that jogs her memory.

So, when we came into the physical therapy room Maggie said she was going to walk. She also told Nancy that she was two (she is so happy to say that). This is an incredible step in that Maggie is speaking to someone else that is not her family member. I tried to get her to talk to Detch, aka Dr. French, the other day and she didn't, but today she was very talkative. Nancy was quite surprised and impressed.

Maggie used the walker to pick out a basket of balls to then throw into a basketball hoop. She did all of this willingly and in case you have forgotten, on steroids! I was so happy that I couldn't help but continue smiling. It has been so difficult for me to take Maggie to PT and listen to her scream the entire time. I have told Andy that since I am responsible for taking her by myself now, I was going to cancel PT. We are both miserable for the 30 minutes of play time, but today, it was a nice surprise.

I think this shows that Maggie is indeed feeling better (or has been feeling better) and because of that she is much more willing to play and walk. At home she has been again cruising along the couch and has even managed to hold onto the wall and my hand to continue walking after the couch has ended. She will tell others that she has "walk, couch" so she is obviously very proud of her accomplishment. Though we have a long road ahead of us before she will begin walking, we are very happy for the interest she has shown. I think that is our biggest obstacle (along with strength, but hopefully GI will be able to help us with that).

Please continue to pray for Maggie as she is half way done with her steroids. She is doing pretty well so far and I just hope it continues. Last month, Thursday through Saturday were our very tough times. Please also pray that this week will not knock Maggie back in her increased interest of walking and development.

Clinic Visit

We visited the clinic yesterday for Maggie's monthly Vincristine, Pentamidine (anti-pneumonia infusion) & IVIG. We were saddened to see Maggie's weight has continued to drop, even though she eats constantly throughout the day. She was down to 22 pounds-- a 5 ounce drop from 3 weeks ago when she was dehydrated.

Maggie did really well with all of her infusions. We had a picnic set up on the floor where she ate over 10 packets of butter. We continued to have the nurses call down to the cafeteria to bring more up as we ran out. She ate a big bake potato with the butter and when that was finished I spread butter on crackers.

As we came into the clinic yesterday, I told Maggie that we were going to see Dr. French. She is now saying his name and recognizes him. She calls him "Detch." I asked her if she was going to tell him how old she was and she of course said "2." She was all prepared and even when walking by him whispered his name, but as soon as he step in our room, she was mute. No smile, no words, nothing. She kept her eye on him, even at the corner of her eye to make sure he was still there. She is so shy when it comes to other people. She really can talk and does so up a storm, but nobody would know.

Maggie is a very observant little one and like I said, talks about what happens after the fact. So, when she came home and saw her Daddy, she told him about Detch. She pointed and said belly (he always listens and feels her distended belly). She pointed and said teeth (as he looks in her mouth with a flash light), and she pointed to her ears and said "all done." She says "all done" when she doesn't want you doing something.

Anyway, after discussing with Dr. French Maggie's side effects from last month, he agreed to cut Maggie's Vincristine dose in half to hopefully stop some of the toxicity that she faced (the loss of fine motor being the big one). He decided against putting Maggie on maintenance fluids this week (a suggestion from her GI doctor, Dr. Mezoff), and told me if her diarrhea worsens during the week to come back in and he will hook her up. After talking with Dr. Mezoff's nurse about the increased Imodium not changing her diarrhea or stool patterns, they decided today to up her dose yet again to 20 milligrams versus 15. It appears he wants to try to combat the diarrhea with just the Imodium. We will see. I am not a believer yet.

So, that was our visit in a nut shell. They are continuing to do tests of Maggie's stool and her blood to look for bacteria or viruses (all of which have come back negative thus far), absorption, celiac, and food allergies. It is my bet, along with what Dr. French believes, that Maggie has an absorption issue. What the cause is, nobody knows (and nobody will diagnose it as of yet), but I don't really care the cause. Just give us a way to fix it so that Maggie can begin to grow and develop like any other little child and fight this disease.

Please pray for Maggie especially this week during steroid week. We are 2 days down, 3 to go. She has done pretty well so far, but we don't normally see a big change until Wednesday evening or Thursday. Please pray that she will have minimal side effects, that her diarrhea will not worsen to the point that she has to be hooked up to fluids, and that the drugs that she is taking will do the job-- kill the cancer and stop the diarrhea.

How old are you Maggie? Two...

These series of pictures were of Maggie as I asked her how old she was. She responded (with a smile) 2!

Showing her cow to the camera.

And her horse... Might I add, ever since we were at my cousin's wedding back home, she always says "horse...poop." She got a chance to see some on the road and it made a lasting impression. She says it was "big" and there were "two" horses. It is just too cute and I laugh every time.

Maggie's Present

We were a bit unconventional when picking Maggie's present out for her birthday. We took her to the toy store and had her choose what she wanted. She loves animals so much so I thought she would like the barn with animals and sure enough, she was in agreement.

On her birthday, when I asked her if she wanted to open her present, she got very excited and shook her head while saying "ya." They learn so young how exciting it is to get presents. In these next set of pictures, hopefully you will see the excitement on her face. I didn't add one that we took, but it was of her almost crying in desperation as I was too slow trying to get the packaging off so that she could play with it.

We are so happy that she is beginning to play again. It proves that she is feeling so much better and that perhaps we are providing her with more interesting/engaging toys.

Trying to open up her present. The bag was almost as big as Maggie.

A farm!

Checking out her animals.

More Birthday Party Pictures

Maggie thought the box was so prettily wrapped that she didn't want to open what was inside. A cow was a part of her new Magnadoodle. She loves farm animals! Maggie playing with her cousin Ian.

Happy Birthday Maggie!

It's official. Maggie is 2 years old and she is proud of it. When asked how old she is, she continues to say 2 with a smile. A smile--rare, but beautiful.

We had a very good day.My parents and Maggie's cousin Brendan came down today to spend the day with her. Brendan is very good with Maggie (he's 4 years old). He's patient, talks with her, includes her, and acts silly to make her laugh. We need him around more often to get her to smile.

I know Andy posted last night and said as much, but we see each birthday as a milestone that most take for granted. We don't know what next year will bring, let alone next week, but we celebrate each milestone with Maggie because we don't know the future. We didn't know if we'd be able to celebrate her 2nd birthday, but here we are. And I pray that we are here with her again for her 3rd, 4th, 10th, 20th, 30th, etc. We love her so much and want to spend the rest of our living life with her here on earth. I pray we get that opportunity.

I have many pictures from Maggie's birthday party on Saturday and some from tonight that I'd like to share. She is a beautiful little girl and we are enjoying this time with her so much. We know that when she starts feeling better and more like herself, it means the beginning of steroids is near. I can't even imagine what our Maggie is like with no medicine in her. We have read that once kids are off of chemo, they are a different person entirely. We see glimpses of that every now and again, but I can't wait for the day when we have the Maggie that God created her to be-- happy, full of energy, life and especially smiles!

Happy birthday beautiful girl. We love you so much and wish you many, many more happy birthdays. Thank you all for your birthday wishes, gifts, and prayers.

Maggie helped me get our lunch ready for the party. She would sneak bites of cold chicken as I stirred. Who said all cooking had to be done on the counter-- the floor works just as well.

Maggie with her cousins Stella and Mira.

A group picture with my Grandpa and Grandma Arter.

Maggie opted out of blowing the candles. I guess that means we both get to make wishes, right?

Opening presents-- Much more fun for Maggie than it was last year.

3 updates

We have a few updates tonight.

First, Maggie was seen by a new GI doctor at Cincinnati Children's yesterday. Overall, it was a promising visit. First of all, it was encouraging in that the doctor spent over an hour with Maggie and Whitney getting information and providing some insight. That's amazing, and we're grateful. He has a few new ideas to try and has already ordered some more tests. He wants to avoid more scope procedures (whew!) and isn't in favor of bowel rest (i.e. starvation). That's good. Over the last number of weeks Maggie has eaten almost non-stop and her weight keeps on coming back low. So we seem to have an absorption problem and we will see in time how a new approach might help. In the meantime, he is trying to manage the diarrhea more aggressively than ever, so that could help, too.

Next, tomorrow (Thursday, October 8) is Maggie's 2nd birthday. We are so proud of her and blessed to have reached this day. Again, when she was first diagnosed, we felt that 3+ months would be an eternity just to get to her first birthday (we had no guarantee that she'd get that far). We plan to celebrate quietly at home as her party was this past weekend. Whitney will likely share some pictures and stories from that time in the coming days. Maggie says (in her cute, shy, quiet voice) "two" when we ask her how old she'll be tomorrow. She seems proud as well, although she doesn't understand what it all really means. So, tomorrow will be a joyous, proud, and hopeful day.

Lastly, Maggie has been acting beautifully the last few days. She has played with her toys, talked quite a bit (she repeats us a lot and has been saying new words every time we turn around), and even has been flashing her million dollar smile for us. Tonight she said "no" to me (like she sometimes will do if she's in the wrong mood) but this time she had a sly grin on her face while she said it. Joy has been robbed from her for long, long stretches of time. But tonight has been a true delight. Early in maintenance Maggie would feel poorly until about 2 days before the next round would start. Lately, she hasn't recovered at all before she starts the next cycle. This time, we have about a week of good times and that is such a nice surprise. Monday we start it all again with chemo and steroids.

Light the Night update

I'm sorry it has taken us so long to update the blog. We have had a busy week so hopefully in the next couple days I can post some of the things that we've done. But for now, I will share about one of our experiences--Light the Night.

First off, I want to thank all of you for your support- those that donated, prayed for us, or even walked with us in spirit or with us at the event. We had walking with us at the event my parents, Andy's parents, and friends Gwen Ernst, Paul & Jessica Minor and their little boy Jay (who Maggie continues to talk about). We were very blessed to have all of them there.

We had never attended anything like this before, so it was quite an emotional experience. Some of those who spoke were people we had met in the hospital during Maggie's inpatient stays. Their words were touching and brought tears to our eyes. I have learned that when going through this very difficult experience it's easy to become like family to those that are also dealing with similar situations. Even if we have only met a handful of times, the support from fellow families is amazing and also comforting.

So, we were happy to attend the Light the Night event to support those who are battling, have battled, or lost the battle to leukemia or lymphoma. We pray that we might continue to attend this event the rest of our lives with Maggie carrying a white balloon, that is designated as a survivor, walking right beside us (though I did enjoy carrying her the 2 mile walk).

If I can add a prayer request unrelated to this post, please pray for my grandpa who received unsettling news, as well as my grandma who has also been going through the process of determining some health issues. Young or old, the word cancer is horrifying and nobody should have to deal with it. We need to find a cure.

A bit camera shy...

Maggie has found that she likes hot dogs (and ketchup)!

Me & Maggie with Jessica and Jay

Paul, Andy's parents & my Dad

Sacrifices

I learned about two years ago that being a parent means taking sacrifices. Sacrifices of time, sleep, physical appearance, food (as I have learned that Maggie eats first and I get the scraps), etc. But given the situation that we have been in the last 15 months, we have learned that we must also sacrifice our careers and goals. Andy did this last year by taking a year off of school to be home with Maggie while I worked. Yesterday, I decided it was my turn.

My job switched employers in July and I was awaiting for the job to begin once again. Originally, Andy and I thought that I would no longer work because of the job flexibility being lost, however, conveniently enough, they decided to contract the work out where I would be able to have my office at home. With this promise, we decided that I would work evenings and weekends and then have someone watch Maggie occasionally when I had to work during the day.

All was in place until yesterday the employer changed their mind. They wanted me sitting in an office for 8 hours a day. Anyone who knows our situation and dealing with a child with cancer knows this isn't feasibly possible. A child with cancer has a compromised immune system where putting them in child care would mean an automatic ticket to several days in the hospital dealing with fevers. Maggie also has not ever been around kids so regardless of her immune system, her body isn't used to dealing with other germs. On top of this, there are doctor visits, physical therapy sessions, and the much dreaded steroid week. These are all situations I see it necessary for me (or one of us) to be present.

So for this reason, Andy and I have decided that Maggie is much more important than financial security and we are willing to take the leap of faith (though I think we've been taking too many leaps lately and I'm getting a bit tired of it), to do what we think is right for our family. My would-have-been-employer told me last night after I had tried to negotiate the position and was declined, that she believes in miracles and if in 24 hours I could find child care for Maggie (which wasn't our main issue), that I should give her a call. I hope there are miracles, but not for the sake of my job, there are much bigger things to wish miracles upon, and she's sitting right beside me.